


All The Same

by LuniaWolfe



Series: The Wolf and The Moon [1]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games)
Genre: F/M, Miscarriage, Sad, Suicide Attempt, kinda happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-28
Updated: 2018-06-28
Packaged: 2019-05-29 22:58:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15083576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LuniaWolfe/pseuds/LuniaWolfe
Summary: What happens to Lunia Hawke when she notices that everybody she loves leaves her? Rate M for some language and adult themes. Just want to be on the safe side with that one





	1. He's Leaving

**Author's Note:**

> What will happen to Lunia Hawke when she begins to notice that no matter how much she loves somebody, they always leave her in the end? Takes place from after The Bitter Pill and runs right up to the start of Act III.
> 
> This was my first published story and looking back, dang I have come a long way. I do not own Dragon Age II or 'All The Same' by Sick Puppies.
> 
> Also, warning, in this story there is attempted suicide (Lunia is a very tragic character) miscarriage, adult themes and language. So please, take care of yourself. If these things bother you, I would suggest not reading it, simply because it ties too much into the story for me to take it out.

Lunia Hawke was shocked to see Fenris waiting for her once she returned home. The way he had acted after killing Hadriana made it seem as if he wanted to be left alone. Her ice blues eyes twinkled as she gave him her signature half smile. If a handsome white haired elf wanted to be here, she was not going to argue.

"I've been thinking about what happened with Hadriana. I took my anger out on you undeservedly so. I was not myself. I'm sorry," Fenris said as he got up and closed the gap between them, his mossy green eyes pleading more than his words.

"I had no clue where you got to. You had me worried, you know?" Lunia informed him as she began fiddling with the straps to her daggers and outer armor. So comfortable was she with her companions, most of them helped her get out of her armor when they would be at her house for a while. Her secret love of digging toes in the carpet and feeling free was something they all knew about.

"I needed to be alone," he stated as he took each article she handed him with care and laid it on the bench by the wall. "When I was a still a slave, Hadriana was a torment. She would ridicule me, deny my meal, and hound my sleep. Because of my status, I was powerless to respond and she knew it. The thought of her slipping out of my grasp now, I could let her go! I wanted to, but I couldn't."

She could hear and see his anger with each word that came from his mouth. Even in his anger, his voice made her shiver. Yet Fenris came here to talk, so she took off her boots, giving in to her ritual of wigging her toes in the carpet and put on the red silk robe she kept in the foyer so that she wouldn't be in just her thin shirt and shorts she wore under her leathers. She turned to look into his eyes, startled to find him standing close to her.

"Ok explain that one for me."

"This hate! I thought I had gotten away from it. But it dogs me no matter where I go. To feel it again, to know it was they that planted it inside me. It was too much to bear." He turned away from her then. "Bah, I didn't come here to burden you further," Fenris said as he turned from her.

For some reason, seeing him turn from her gave her a sense of panic. She wanted him to stay. It was the most open he had been with her without a bottle of wine in hand. She wanted him with her. She reached a hand out and grabbed his bare skin. Even in all the battles they had been in, flesh had never touched flesh. Sure, there were times touch was involved in some to the moves they had practice to better utilize the combination of rouge and warrior, though gloves and armor were always a barrier that kept her safe. Now, his markings glowed and he pushed her against the wall. It excited her to no end. So she did the first thing that popped into her mind, she kissed him.

The feel of his lips on hers was enough to almost undo her. How long had she dreamed of this? To feel his hair in her fingers, feeling like silk as she knew that it would. His hand moved to her butt and she pressed into him hard. She felt him then and wanted more. She flipped them then, pressing him against the wall instead, the feeling of being dominate in there seeming endless dance of tounges was heady.

A part of her, in that part of herself that she hated to listen to, whispered warning. Fenris was his namesake. He was a wolf, and any animal that had been traumatized could always lash out. Yet she didn't listen to that voice as she led him upstairs. Nor when they undressed each other in a flurry of kisses, moans, bites and ripping of clothes. Nor when he hovered over her before entering her. Not even when she screamed his name and most definitely not when she laid in his arms and drifted off to sleep.

She woke to see him staring into the flames of her fireplace. 'That is not a good sign,' she thought as she saw him dressed. She moved to the end of the bed to make her presence known.

"Was it that bad?" she grabbed the blanket to ward off a chill that had nothing to do with the temperature of the room.

"I'm sorry. It was not…It was fine," he stammered. "No that is insufficient. It was better than anything I could have dreamed," now he looked at her. She saw pain in his eyes.

"Your markings, they hurt, don't they?"

"It's not that. I began to remember my life before. Just… flashes. It was too much. It's too fast. I cannot… do this."

"Don't you want to get your memories back?"

"Perhaps you don't realize how upsetting this is. I've never remember anything, and to have it all come back in a rush only to lose it about. I can't… I can't"

"We can work through this Fenris, just please…" she pleaded.

"I'm sorry. I feel like such a fool. All I wanted was just to be happy, just for a little while. Forgive me," he said as he turned and walked away.

As she bowed her head and tears formed in her eyes, she almost missed the res sash tied around his wrist that came for her robe. The same sash that had held her hands as she lost more than just her maiden head, but her hears as well. As she heard the door close downstairs a howl ripped from her throat as she heart shattered.


	2. Holding My Scarred Heart In Hand

Varric had begun to hear whispered of a dog howling in Hightown. Maker knew Lunia's mabari, Sun, could howl at the moon, but this was at the same time every night for almost a week. Now Varric knew Lunia, he knew she liked her sleep. So something more was going on here. The Lady would have tapped the nose of her dog and told him to hush. So his curiosity had led him to the square where Hawke lived at 2 o'clock in the morning. Hawke has the only dog in Hightown, so he knew it was here that he would hear it.

The second that he settled down to wait her heard it and the hair on his chest stood on end. Whoever harmed that beast should just put it down! He walked up the door, because it sounded like it was coming from inside Amell Manor, and knocked. Bohdan came running to the door.

"Oh Messere Varric, thank the Stone! Maybe you can help!"

"Bohdan what is going on?"

"She has been like this for almost a week. Waking up from a dead sleep, making that… sound, then laying there crying till morning. She has stayed in her room, won't come out for her mother or anyone. Maybe she will unlock the door for you."

Varric nodded and started towards Lunia's room. What had happened since he saw her last? They talked and played cards at The Hanged Man after that business with the elf's former master apprentice. She was going to give Fenris a day or so to brood then she was going after him. Surely what they saw in the holding caves hadn't scarred her that bad. They had seen much worse. Void take them, they had been in bloodier battles than that place had to offer.

"Hawke, can I come in?" he question as he put his head to the door. He heard movement and then the clinking of a lock being turned. Good, saved him from having to pick it and she knew it. As he entered her room, he looked at her. She didn't even look like the same woman that he had seen a week ago! She looked like she had been to The Void and back. Her eyes were blood shot and there were deep bags under her eyes. Her hair looked like a nug's nest. Her clothes were in disarray and to put it bluntly she stunk. Then he really looked at her eyes, and what he saw looking back at him was a wounded animal. That panicky look they give when they are injured and they are not afraid to take flight if something gets too close.

"Lunia," he began as she walked to her slowly. "What happened?"

"Varric?" her voice, her hauntingly beautiful voice, was rough and broken.

"Oh Siren, come here,: he opened his arms and she rushed to him. They both sank to the floor as she began crying.

She poured her heart out to him. She gave him every detail of what the blighted piece of nug shit had done. Through broken sobs and a nose running like mad, Varric only got half of the garbled words that flowed from her mouth. That… elf had almost broken her! It would take a while for voice to heal enough to sing again, yet her heart may never heal. He saw scratch marks all over her arms as she were trying to claw her way out of her own skin. More healing for Blondie to do it seemed. Finally the endless stream of words stopped and she sagged into him.

Her mother and staff were standing at the door. He simply nodded and they got to work. Her mother and the young elven maid, Orana that was her name, led her behind the screen to change. Bohdan and Sandal began bringing up bucket of hot water for a bath by the fire. Varric went down to the kitchen to put together some broth, hot tea and to let Anders know to stop by.

After an hour, the room had been cleansed by the cool night air and Lunia was washed, clothed, fed, healed and tucked into bed. The wound in her heart lanced but the healing had just begun. Anders had come and gone, saying he would return the next day to check on her wounds. Varric sat down in a chair by her bed, telling the others he would stay with her for the rest of the night and they could get some sleep.

"You know, Corff is going to be so pissed that you can't sing tomorrow," Varric said as he leaned back in his chair.

"I'm sorry. Guess I won't be singing anything to high pitched for a while… Tell him I'm sorry."

"Do you realize what this means? Half of Lowtown is going to riot when you are not there, and don't come just to play cards, they will burn the place down!"

"I doubt you would let them burn our home Varric. Besides, I should be back to getting you guys free drinks the week after," she leaned back into her fluffy pillows and closed her eyes.

Ever since Varric has learned in the Deep Roads that Lunia could sing, he had called her Siren in private. She sang to her sister as she held her in her arms while she plunged cold steel into her. The song haunted him yet in a good way. One night at The Hanged Man, a couple of months after their return, he asked her to sing the song again. That was when it all started. Corff made a deal with Hawke after the place began to fill up with only a few more songs sung. If she would sing once a week, she and all her friends could drink free that night. Corff was going to throw in a meal to, but Hawke refused that section of the offer. You never knew what Corff used to cook his food with.

"I don't know if I can face him Varric," she whispered into the canopy.

"You could always tell him to leave." The moment it left his lips he wanted to call back the words. She almost panicked. Varric jumped out of his chair and hugged her as she began muttering to herself that she couldn't break her promise. Varric patted her back until she calmed down again.

"Forget I said that. Do you want me to stay, Siren?" he asked as he tucked her back in.

"Please, as least until I fall asleep?" she whispered as if too afraid to speak aloud.

"Of course, Siren, I'll keep the demons away." '… and kill an elf for hurting you like this.' He added in his mind as he went back to his chair and watched his once fearless leader drift into and uneasy sleep.

The next day, Lunia awoke to finally feeling rested. As she exited her room, she saw Orana.

"Hello Orana, sorry I haven't been able to make sure you are comfortable working here…"

"It's ok mistress. You mother and Bohdan have helped me a lot. Would you like me to get you breakfast?"

"No thanks you. I'll go to the kitchen and whip up something."

"Ok, let me know if you need anything mistress."

"Orana, you can just call me Hawke, or Lunia. You are a free person now."

"Ok Mistress Lunia," she curtsied and walked into Lunia's room to finish what cleaning she could not get done the night before.

"I'm gonna have to work on that with her," Lunia said as she went to the kitchen.

After looking around in her cabinets, she found the ingredients to make cream of wheat and some herbal tea and got to work. After getting out the milk, butter and sugar, she put it all on a tray and took them to a small patio that was just outside the kitchen. She had just gotten settled and was about to take her first bite when her mother entered the room. She gave her daughter a sad smile and sat in the seat across from her.

"How are you feeling, my dear?"

"Better mother, but it will take time," Lunia replied as she tried to eat some more. She felt her mother's gaze on her.

"You love him don't you?" Leandra finally blurted out.

"Yes… I just didn't know how much till he walked out the door," she replied. She sat her spoon down, not feeling hungry anymore.

"Twill be alright," Leandra said as she patted her hand. "Sir Emeric came by. He said he wasn't to see you when you were feeling better. Will Aveline be back soon? It would do you good to see her."

"Not for another week. She needed to vacation and it will be good for her and Donnic. It will help them get to know each other better."

"At least you managed to get them together. He seems like a good sort. Especially after her husband was taken from her like that…"

"Mother I…"

"Hush child. I meant nothing about Bethany or Carver. We all deserve a little happiness in our lives after all we have been through to get to Kirkwall and reach this status. Who knows, I may start looking for a suitor for myself."

"Mother, I kept the little boys from getting around Bethany all the time when we were younger. I'll do the same for you too, she chuckled. "I want you to be happy mother. I would like to know you have somebody if something happens to me…"

Leandra grabbed her daughter's hand in a death grip, "don't say that. I will not lose you as I have lost your father, Carver and Bethany! Promise me you will be safe. Promise!"

"Of course, Mother. Of course."

"Thank you my dear. Now smile, today is a new day. Good will come of it yet," Leandra said as she took her leave of her last living child.

"I sure hope so mother," Lunia replied to nobody in general. She looked out over all the flowers and finished up her now cold cereal before heading to The Gallows.

Varric sat back in his chair looking much worse for wear. Sleep had eluded him because the look of anguish on Lunia's face was there every time he closed his eyes. After leaving Lunia's side, he fought very hard not to go beat that elf into a bloody pulp. Not that he could have, but he would have tried. So instead he came back to his domain and entertained what he would have done. As he was on the fifth or sixth scenario which involved rabid mabaris, he was drawn from his muses by a deep voice.

"Varric, are you here?" Fenris asked as he entered the room.

'Ask and ye shall receive! Look what The Stone has brought me!' Varric thought as he looked the elf up and down. He didn't look any worse, though there was a slight off balanced look about him. So he was drunk, even better. "Yes elf?" Varric finally replied out loud.

"I… have you seen Hawke?"

"Yes I have," Varric said as he leaned forward and steepled his fingers together in front of his face.

"Does she require my sword any longer?"

"That you should ask her. I on the other hand want to string you by your entrails," was Varric only warning as he whipped Bianca out and fired a shot just past the elf's ear. "Give me a reason not to elf!"

"So she come running to you did she?" Fenris spat out, he anger rising.

"I wouldn't call it running to me. I FOUND her, or what was left of her." Varric saw the color drain from Fenris' face. "Oh no, she is still alive. She will just never be the same after what you put her through. She had no eaten in a week. I guess the last meal she had was right before we were ambushed at the Wounded Coast. That beautiful voice that we heard in The Deep Roads was almost destroyed from crying and howling. Her arms were bleeding from the scratches she had inflicted on herself. She cried and poured out her broken heart to me. Since that moment, I have thought of almost everything I could do to you. I wanted you to feel the pain she is going through, but I guess you can't hurt a heartless bastard like you."

"I didn't want to leave dwarf! I just couldn't…" Fenris started to say but Varric began yelling

"NO you could have stayed! After everything she has done for all of us, what she has done for you alone! She would have helped you get other whatever problem you were facing!" The normally calm dwarf jumped up and started pacing and putting Bianca back on his back. Fenris sat down as he took the tongue lashing.

"But you didn't think about that did you? No you ran. I wanted to hunt you down and make you leave so she would never have to look at you again. She didn't deserve to have that hurt go through her heart every time she looked at you, but she wouldn't let me. That panicked look entered her eyes when I brought it up. So that look alone told me just how much she cares about you. You couldn't! More like you are a coward! Void take us all she would be better off with anybody in out band of misfits. We all love her. Even Isabella would be better! As least with her she would know that is would just be casual sex. She wouldn't go in with all her heart. She thought that she had that with you. Yet is seems you only wanted a one night stand!"

"You go too far Varric!" Fenris shouted. The use of his name made Hawke's own personal champion pause. "I know that she would be better off with anybody but me. I would rather her love you, the prince, even the abomination would be better than me. Yet don't think for one second that it didn't hurt me to leave. That our one night together meant nothing!" Fenris hung his head. "It meant everything, but the memories came rushing back and… I did the only thing I know to do. I ran…"

"Keep running then. Run till Kirkwall is nothing but a speck behind and let those of us that love her take care of her."

"As soon as the mess with the Qunari is done, I shall. I am the most knowledgeable about them and you all may have need of me. Until then, I will stay out of the way." Fenris walked out defeated and Varric let him go.

It wasn't until Varric went to lay down in his bed a few hours later that Varric noticed that he had admitted he too loved Lunia. Not in the way a person would love a sibling, but something a little bit deeper. The elf must have glanced over that not really caring. He sighed as he stared up at the ceiling. "Oh Siren, we all love you, but the one you want is not howling for you."


	3. To Fix the Twist in Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just note, suicide attempt in this chapter.

"It seems I am not meant to have the people I love. First Father, then Carver, Bethany, Fenris and now you Mother. Wait with Father and the others. I will join you soon," Lunia whispered to what was left of her mother. Nobody hear her save for a white haired elf who's eyes went wide. She got up and looked at them. There was no life in her eyes. Varric walked up to her first.

"Lunia, do you want me to walk you home?" concern written all over his face.

"No thanks you Varric. I need to be alone…" and she walked away from the place that had taken her last bit of family, this tiny pocket of the Void that would stay in everybody's mind forever.

Varric watch her walk away. It had been a month since Fenris had left her. At least then there was feeling in her eyes, abet a bad feeling, but something. She had started to return to her old witty cheerful self. Now this had to happen.

"I'm following her", Fenris stated as he walked up to Varric.

"Didn't you hear Broody? She wants to be left alone…"

"I heard much more than you. I'm going to make sure that harm does not befall her."

"What do you mean?"

"I fear what this will do to her. Something she whispered…"

"Then go, and make damn sure she stays safe. I'll stay with Aveline to get this clean up."

Fenris ran to catch up with Hawke, yet staying back so she would not see. They had started to come to an understanding. He was to start coming to her house to learn once she found out this gap in his education. She had even given her a Book of Shartan, his second most treasured possession, the first being the red sash from their one night of passion. He saw her enter Amell Manor. After a short time he saw Gamilin leave, looking more angry than upset. Finally he plucked up his courage, having stood there in the square for an hour, he knocked on the door. Bohdan let him enter the foyer. Flashes of that one night flooded his mind. He shook his head; he needed to stay focused on the task at hand. So he climbed the stairs and knocked on her door. "Hawke… Lunia please, can I come in?"

No movement inside, no sound of any kind in the house save for Sun snoring by the fire. Urgency filled him as he turned the handle only to find it locked. This caused his to go into full panic mode and he started beating on the door, but to no avail. Seeing that one course of action would not work he used another. Letting his marking flare bright with anger and fear, he kicked down her door. Once he walked in and he saw her sitting in front of the fire place completely still, he relaxed a little at the sight. As he made his way over though he noticed she was sitting in a pool of blood. He took her up into his arms.

"Hawke NO! Stay with us!" he began checking her over. Long vertical cuts on the under part of her arms dripped with blood. He put his fingers to her neck, afraid that there would be nothing there to find. A pulse, faint weak, but still a pulse. He gathered her into his arms, she weighed next to nothing, not that she was heavy before but he could tell the difference. As he made for the cellar to take her to Ander's clinic, Bohdan had opened the door already.

"I'll inform Messere Varric and instruct Orana to prepare a large meal. I'm sure all her companions will wait here for news."

"Do that," was all Fenris could say. He prayed to every deity he could think of, praying that he had not been too late to save here.

Finally she was stable. Anders had spent hours healing her arms. As he pumped his healing magic into her, it increased her blood count, which began coming out of the long jagged cuts he was trying to heal. At long last he managed to get everything under control. Now time to examine the rest of her while he let his mana level recharge on its own. He has been so absorbed into the healing in her wrists and arms he hadn't checked on anything else. He moved from head to chest to abdomen and stopped. No it couldn't be! He checked again. No denying that tiny life force. He glared hatefully at the elf sleeping at the far wall. So the monster had gotten her pregnant. Anders finished his exam and went to his private room.

Justice was howling at him to forget the rogue. She was not helping their cause, only hindering Anders from all the things they could be doing. Anders sighed at Justice's ranting, Lunia didn't let them go or kill them she would send them back to the Circle. Yet he watched as she went to The Gallows and checked on them. She helped get letters out to friends and family that would not be checked by Templars, or would sneak in a treat for the children. She told him once that she was trying to help make The Circle what it should be, a school for people with magical abilities to learn and be watched over. They should be allowed to go home and see family. She knew what it meant to live in fear of Templars and demons because of her family. Now she was pregnant with the seed of a mage hater. It should have been him! She reminded him so much of the Queen of Fereldan, whom he had a soft spot for anyway. He had told Lunia he would end up hurting her. Maybe if he hadn't said that…. Oh well it was done. The least he could do was give her a way out. He pulled a vial of blue liquid from a locked chest. This would abort the baby, but it would free her from the elf. Sticking the vial in his pocket, he returned to the clinic.

Fenris had awoken and was by Hawke's sire when Anders reentered. Never looking up from her face he questioned the mage, "will she be alright?"

"Yes I want to keep her till this evening, and then she can return home. Go tell the others to get the house ready."

Fenris nodded and headed for the door. He kept his back to Anders but said over his shoulder," Thank you Anders, for saving her…"

"I would do anything for her. Although if you had not brought her when you did, she would have died."

Fenris nodded again and was out the door heading up the cellar entrance. When Anders turned around Hawke was beginning to stir. Her eye fluttered open and she saw Anders.

"Anders what… why am I here?"

"That… elf brought you here. He found you bleeding out."

"Maybe I wanted to!" Lunia replied, rolling over to her side.

"Lunia, you mustn't talk that way. You would leave us all?"

"So you all will leave me too? If you haven't noticed anybody I love disappears."

"Hawke some of us would never leave. We would follow you to the Void and back." Ander sat down on the cot next to her. "Now I have something to discuss with you," He handed her the blue vial. She turned and looked at him puzzled. "While examining you I discovered you were pregnant." He saw a face that had moments before been devoid of life brighten as her fingers fluttered to her stomach. Then the light left her eyes and sorrow was written all over her face.

"So that's the vial for? Does it help to make for an easier pregnancy? Her brows furrowed as she looked at it.

"It will cause you to abort – " was all he got out before she beamed him in the head with it. If her eyes were daggers, he would have already bled out from all the cuts.

" How DARE you! I just lost the only member of my family that I love so dearly and you DARE suggest that I kill the only chance I have at rebuilding a family? Even if Fenris doesn't want me… I still love him! I would never hurt something of his, much less something of mine! I would sooner cut my own heart out!" she continued to glare. "I will go home now Anders."

"Hawke you should be moved yet. Plus think about it…"

"There is nothing to think about and I don't want to be anywhere near you! Ah look, it's Varric! He will take me home. I have one knight in shining armor I can count on!"

Varric looked between the two of them. He had no clue what had happened but at least Lunia's eyes were no longer dead. Course pissed off wasn't a good emotion either, but at least it was something. He was itching to know what had transpired but it would have to wait. "If the Lady wishes to return home, it shall be so! Alas, I am too short and your legs too long for me to carry you away. At least I thought to bring a steed!"

Fenris entered the room and glared at Varric, "I am not a steed."

"No you ain't, but you can carry our princess here back to her chambers!"

"You are a funny little dwarf that is about to get into some serious pain," Fenris muttered as he picked up Lunia, who wrapped her arms around his neck. He then turned to Anders. "I don't know what you did, but if you ever upset her again, I'll rip your heart out abomination." Leaving Anders sputtering at him till he noticed Varric had not left.

"Now Blondie, how have you done gone and upset her? She wasn't awake that long!"

"None of your business Varric. She seems to want to do as she pleases. Let her ruin herself!"

"Ah no that's where you are wrong. If she is upset it's my job to find out. You heard her, I am her knight in shining armor."

"Ask her then!"

"But it is so much easier to ask you. Seeing as she just lost her mother. So tell me, or Bianca will have a word with you."

"Fine! You want to know! She is carrying thee spawn of that… rabid beast! I was just giving her a way out!"

"Then you deserve her anger," was all Varric said and he walked away, leaving Anders alone.

Fenris took her past all her companions and took her straight to her room. They would wait to hear from him. As he laid her in the bed, she looked up at him with such sad eyes.

"Do you wish to speak of what happened with the abomination?" he asked as he pulled the covers up to her chest.

"No," she turned her head from him.

"Do you wish to speak of anything?" He questioned as he poured some water for her and set it on her table.

"No…" she still would not look at him.

"Is there anything you need of me?" he asked as he went to move some of her hair back but stopped himself.

"No… but thank you Fenris," she whispered.

"Are you going to…?"

"No I won't harm myself again. I promise Fenris, you needn't worry."

"Lunia I…"

"No Fenris. I'm not ready to talk yet… Just go please. You can come back tomorrow and we will start your lessons if you wish. Good night."

Fenris wanted to stay, but she had given her dismissal. As he walked into the living room her nodded to the other, "She wishes to be left alone and promised not to hurt herself." With his instructions given, he walked out the door to get gloriously drunk, He had been through enough this day.

Varric came in as Fenris was walking out. He told the others to go home; he would stay here for the night. After letting them all out he went to Hawke's room. "Siren, we need to quit meeting like this," he said as he sat down on the edge of the bed.

"But Varric, it's the only way I get a closer look at your chest hair," she chuckled as she turned to face him. "All my chest hair aside, we need to talk. Of course you can keep on petting my male pride for a few minutes longer if you want."

"No get to the dirty stuff first, petting later. I already told Fenris I wouldn't hurt myself again. I just couldn't cope with losing the last member of my family. The last connection to my happy past is gone."

"Well you have Gamlin for whatever that's worth. You also have your band of misfits! Aveline is the bossy older sister. Daisy is the cousin that is confused all the time. Choir Boy is the super religious sibling that you just roll your eyes at. Riviani is the slutty aunt that speaks her mind. Blondie is the family member that tries to fit in and fails. Broody is the guard dog and I'm the favorite uncle."

"What does that make me?" she giggled.

"The matriarch of our rag tag family. Taking care of us and going nug shit crazy when somebody messes with us. But I digress, that wasn't what I wanted to talk to you about Siren."

"So… how did you get it out of him? Course I guess it doesn't matter now does it? I don't know Varric. I am so happy to become a mother. I don't know about Fenris though."

"You won't know till you tell him."

"Not yet Varric. Let me… think of how to tell him."

Varric grabber her hand, "take all the time you can. Just remember you will have to say something before long or you will begin to show."

"I know, I'm afraid though, that he will reject me again."

"Then he doesn't deserve either one of you."

"Thank you Varric for everything. You really are my knight in shining armor."

"At you service my Lady. Speaking of Broody, did you give him that book?"

"Yeah we should start our lessons tomorrow."

"Be careful Siren, that is all I can say. Now let's get back to the petting of my male ego." Varric was rewarded with her silvery laugh and they talked late into the night.


	4. Please Come Back Running

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note, miscarriage in this chapter

Two month later Lunia stood with the Arishok are her feet. Bleeding heavily from wounds all over her body, her speed in battle had been the only thing that had kept her alive against the behemoth. Finally the Qunari threat was done. She looked at her friends and gave a tired smile. As cheer erupted with the nobles, dizziness hit her. Fenris grabbed her before she fell. What was wrong with her? She had been worse off than this. She cried out when prain wracked her stomach. 'NO!' was the last thought she had before her world went dark.

"Blondie!" Varric yelled watching as Lunia's eyes closed. He saw the grab she made to her stomach. Damn and double damn! Not this! Not after she was just named Champion. She and Fenris had just moved back into an easy friendship. The fates it seemed were not kind to Hawke. Varric watched as Fenris picked her up and carried her in the direction of the barracks, Aveline leading the way.

Anders worked his magic, but it wasn't enough, the babe was gone. Too many movements, loss of blood and too much stress on a babe barely into the second trimester. Varric noticed Fenris staring at his down trodden face.

"What is wrong with you dwarf? The mage said she will live did he not?"

"Not for me to say Broody. Just watch her the next few days."

"Why? What are you hiding from me," Fenris growled as his marking began to light.

"No light show please Fenris," came the voice of the new Champion of Kirkwall as she sat up. Her fingers lighted to her stomach and she looked at Varric and his sorrow filled face. She then turned to Anders, panic stricken. Ander shook his head. Fenris on the other hand was staring at them all like they were crazy.

Lunia hung her head, "so you got your wish Anders," anger began to fill her voice.

"Not like this Hawke," he tried to sooth her.

"It doesn't matter how it happened! You got what you wanted. Why the hell aren't you jumping for joy?"

"Hawke calm down…"Varric tried as he saw Fenris' bewildered look.

"How can I be calm after what that bastard did to me?"

"But Hawke, you have suffered far worse in battle. What are you talking about Anders' wish?" Fenris asked. Hawke looked at him; she had forgotten that he sat there. Now she would have to tell him, before he could even celebrate, he would have to grieve.

"Please leave us; I need to speak to Fenris alone." She waited till the others were out the door. "I should have told you sooner. I meant to tell you, but I was too afraid." She watched his face begin to contort into anger.

"What have you kept from me Hawke?"

"I was pregnant…" sorrow filled her voice as tears began to flow. "I didn't know how to tell you it was yours. You ran from me after that night. I didn't know if you would run from me and the baby, and quite frankly I couldn't bear the thought of you running from me a second time."

"You were with child? Venhedis woman! How long were you going to wait to tell me? Once the child entered this world with elven features? Or would you deny it then to out of shame?" He shouted pacing back and forth.

"Damn you! Why would I not tell you it was yours when it was born? I was going to tell you soon. I wanted the Qunari mess out of the way first. But can you really blame me Fenris? You left me to pick up the pieces of my broken heart! Plus why would I chain you to something else when you are working to break free of the chains of your past?"

"You never gave me a chance to decide for myself!" Fenris turned to face her then. He face turned into something ugly and fearful. Yet he looked at Lunia's sorrow filled eyes and he saw all the regret and pain in them. It brought his anger down and he sat beside her on the bed she had been healed on. "I would not run from my own offspring. I would have wanted my child to have a happy life, one that I did not have. For what it is worth, I would have been there…for both of you."

"Fenris… I'm sorry I took that choice from you. Nothing will ever replace what we lost, but I don't see why we can't try again in the future. I can understand if you don't want to though." Lunia hair hung in her face. She couldn't look at him. It would hurt to see him turn away again. Instead she felt the warm metal of his gauntlet under her chin making her look in his eyes. She saw his soul in that moment, more than any other time she had ever looked into those moss green eyes. She saw pain, fear, weakness strength and she thought she saw love but she was not sure. It gave her beaten heart a little more hope.

"Give me time Lunia. I am not worthy of the caring you have given me. Let me be a free man first. Just give me a little longer."

"Fenris I can only give you so much time. If I find somebody, I will take a chance at finding a measure of happiness."

Sorrow filled his eyes, "I understand."

"But know this; I'd rather have the happiness with you because I know it would be complete. My heart is yours, just please, don't take too long," she pleases softly and leaned into the hand that had moved to her cheek.


	5. I Don't Mind As Long As You're Here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Dragon Age II, "All The Same" by Sick Puppies, '1000 Words' Square Enix, or 'Lilium' Yukio Kondo. (The last two are only mentioned, but I want to cover my bases). lol. Hope you enjoy the last installment!

"Orana! Are you ready to go?" Hawke called out.

"Yes Mistress! Let me grab my cloak and lute!"

"Hawke, you never bring Orana with you to The Hanged Man. What are you up to?" Varric asked her. He began to check her over, seeing as he had helped her get ready for this event. First time he had ever had to escort somebody to The Hanged Man, and after looking at her he understood why.

Hawke had taken great pains to get ready. Her long tresses done in loose curls hang down to her mid back. Her full figure somehow got into a dress that should have been worn to a theater, not a tavern. Midnight black with a slight shimmer to it, no sleeves just one long slit that showed off a beautiful tan leg. Her feet were covered in a strappy heel than gave her quite a bit height. He had helped her with her face paint. She didn't need much, but he helped to give an even more exotic look to her eyes. He handed her a cloak to put on to keep off the evening chill. She moved over to the fireplace, swaying her hips in a hypnotic dance.

"Varric it has been three years since… I lost my child. I've grown tired of waiting on Fenris. This is my last attempt. I'm gonna sing the song you have been trying to get out of me for months. Orana has come up with a wonderful tune, so that is why she is coming."

"If Broody doesn't come?"

"So be it. I will pull together what pieces of my life I can and try to be as happy as possible."

"You have all of us Siren. Course we could go kick his ass till he sees the light."

"No, I want him to come to me of his own free will. What good would it do to chain him to me when he is fighting the chains of his former master? Orana are you ready?"

"Yes mistress. Although I wish you would let me put you hair up and frame your face."

"Sorry my dear, but it is down for a reason."

Varric stared at her for a moment, "he likes your hair down doesn't he?" He saw a small blush creep onto her face. "Oh you are a calculating little rouge! You have spent the past three years figuring out everything he likes about you. Are you sure nothing more happened at your reading sessions?"

"Maybe there was a small kiss or two, a few drinks and lots of talking. But yes that is what I have been doing. Caught red handed, now let's see if it was worth the effort." She parted her hair on either side of her neck, pulled her hood up and they all walked out the door.

Lunia had told Corff tonight would be a special performance, but she hadn't expected all of Kirkwall to be in attendance. The crowd was all in the street and it seemed they wanted an outdoor show because a makeshift stage was in front of The Hanged Man.

"Varric?" Lunia asked as they made their way to the entrance.

"Hey don't look at me! I've been with you since this morning. Holy nug shit there are nobles here! Don't they know where they are? They better keep their coin purses close."

"Mistress is there always a crowd like this?" Orana squeaked.

"No Orana it isn't. Seems SOMEBODY wanted to make it seem bigger than what it was. Don't worry though, you can sit at the back of the stage behind me. I don't think anybody will notice you then."

"Thank you mistress, I don't do very well with crowds," she sighed in relief as they entered The Hanged Man and made their way to the bar.

"Corff what in Andraste's flaming knickers have you done?" she yelled at him. The barkeep looked confused.

"I just told a few people you were having a special performance tonight."

"So you let them build a stage in the street?"

"Helps with business," was his only reply before going back to work.

She turned to find her friends had gathered around. They all offered words of encouragement and jests. Teasing their normally leather clan leader about her choice in dress. Varric took her cape and then the cat calls began. She only half listened as she stared into Fenris' eyes. So many emotions swam in their depths. She saw lust, possession, longing, and something else that she couldn't describe. Finally he walked up to her.

"You look so beautiful," he murmured as he uncharacteristicly picked up her hand and touched his lips to her knuckles. She gave him a wamr smile and looked deep into his eyes.

"Listen to the words tonight Fenris. Close your eyes and listen with your heart to them," and with that she went out to get ready. Fenris was left staring at the sway of her hips that he loved to watch, her long hair swaying. After a few moments he heard her voice waft in like a cool breeze on a hot day.

"Broody, pick your jaw up off the floor. You have no clue what has been on it."

"What did she mean by close my eye and listen with my heart?"

"It means to hear the words till you understand them, not just listen. You know, feel the song."

"Which song though?" Fenris asked as they headed out the door, the words to one of his favorites that she sung, '1000 Words' coming to his ears.

"Could be any song that she sings, though I think it would be the one where Orana plays with her. I myself am excited to hear that one. I've been trying to get the lyrics out of her for months. She told me herself it is the first song that she has even written."

She sang quite a few songs, even some in other languages. She was surprised how well they were received by these people of Kirkwall, who mostly thought of only themselves. As she finished singing "Lilium" she caught her breath and took a drink of water from the jug Corff had placed at her feet, she decided it was time to close the show. Her vocal cords could only take one more song. Maybe 'Lilium' had been a bad call on her part. Yet the crowd took a few seconds to start clapping because they were in awe. Lunia nodded to Orana who gathered her lute into her lap. Lunia informed the crowd it would be the last song. As the chords came from the lute she began to sing.

I don't mind where you come from

As long as you come to me

And I don't like illusions I can't see them clearly

I don't care no I wouldn't dare to fix the twist in you.

You've shown be eventually what you'll do.

I don't mind

I don't care

As long as you're here.

Go ahead and tell me you'll leave again

You'll just come back running

Holding your scarred heart in hand

It's all the same

And I'll take you for who you are

If you take me for everything

And do it all over again

It's all the same

Hours slide and days go by till you decide to come

However long you stay is all that I have

I don't mind

I don't care

As long as you're here

Go ahead and tell me you'll leave again

You'll just come back running

Holding your scarred heart in hand

It's all the same

And I'll take you for who you are

If you take me for everything

And do it all over again

It's all the same

Go ahead and say it you're leaving

You'll just come back running

Holding your scarred heart in hand

It's all the same

And I'll take you for who you are

If you take me for everything

And do it all over again

It's all the same

Lunia bowed and walked off the stage. Her friends were waiting for her excepted for Fenris, who was nowhere to be seen. She covered up the hurt with a smile. They all went to Varric's room and began talking about the performance. She laughed and cut up with them for an hour or so then gathered her cloak and Orana up to go home.

"Want me to walk you ladies home?" Varric said.

"If you wish Varric," she murmured to him.

"He listened to every word Siren, just so you know," Varric said as they made their way out the door.

"I know, I just hate he left," she sighed. "How did you like it?"

"Love it! You and Orana were wonderful together!" his praise making the elven maiden blush. "Though that second to last song made Choir boy want you to come sing The Chant of Light so look out. You know you sang that one in The Deep Roads but you never told me the name."

"'Lilum' is an old elvish song. I don't know if even Merrill knows it. I was taught the song as a little girl by a group of elves that father traded with."

"Still the most beautiful thing I have ever heard. But your last one, dang if that don't fit you and Broody!"

"It should I wrote it, but I guess it was for nothing…" her face downcast

"You never know Siren." Varric said as he got them to Amell Manor. "Here we are ladies! Sleep well and remember Hawke, you got to meet the Grand Cleric in the morning."

Lunia walked inside and Orana helped her with her cloak. "I'm sorry mistress; I know how much this night meant to you."

"It is not your fault Orana, but thank you. Sleep well, I'm going to bed." She took of her shoes, wigged her toes in the carpet and made her way up to her room. She opened the door to find Fenris standing by her window.

"Fenris what are you –" she was cut off by him coming up to her quickly and kissing her like mad.

"You bewitch me! Everything about you haunts me! Your hair, your face, your body, you kindness you voice!" He spoke into her ear, making her shiver with desire. She had to stay focused, although it was very hard at the moment.

"Fenris what is this about?" she breathed out, trying to find some form of control.

"I want you. I want to peel you out of that dress and take you to that bed," he said with his sultry voice in her hair.

"What's stopping you?" she said closing her eyes, giving up on control and laying her head back exposing her throat to him.

"I must be free first, then I will have all of myself to give to you" he said against the neck that was his for the taking.

Fenris please, how much longer must I wait? Tonight was your last chance, please…" she hooked a leg around his side and he picked her up with a growl. Burying his face into her chest and taking her to the bed. He lavished her chest with kisses as she dug her fingers into his hair. Finally he came up and began kissing her lips again. It left her breathless and dying for more, as if he was the only body of water in a vast desert. He placed his forehead and hers and closed his eyes.

"Tomorrow, after you meeting, come to my house. Aveline is checking on something for me. Then I will have more answers."

"Alright Fenris, one more day… but please, stay for the night. I ask for nothing, I just… need you near."

"I can do that," he said as he began kissing her again.


End file.
